米国行き決定。葛藤する気持ち

〜イギリス赴任日記〜

2001年3月3日


米国行きが決まって初めての日記。自分で選んだ道ではあるが道義上それが正しかったのか思い悩んでいる。

日記原文-----------------------------------


2001/03/03　「米国行き決定。葛藤する気持ち」

Middle of Feb, I was told that I will go to NY to work at CA as trainee.

Now 3rd March and I have already started preparation to go back to Tokyo to get there 2nd April. Moving arrangement, Freight booking, the termination letter of house rent. But I am still not sure this is right for me or not. On the other hand, I am thinking this is the time for me to move and make changes. This means I am still floating. Maybe that’s because my sympathy for this company and my colleagues. Today we had a telephone conference with Hq about future European Network and there was some soft of argument between our GM and their GM. The end of this argument was like we have been beaten in unreasonable way. World is moved by power game and today’s meeting was expressing this very much. Sometimes some guys are saying politics is necessary to beat your competitor. Now I feel it sounds like true but I don’t like to think so. Politics shall be minimized and things shall be proceeded by the way it shall be. Right way of thinking will beat those politics, I believe.

But this is not what I want to say today. To be honest I don’t care what is going on for Hq. It’s not my business but I am worried about my colleagues. But if I tell this to them, they must say we don’t need your sympathy like I think so that I have never said that but …. Now it’s really difficult for me to control my mind. I can’t be cool and just do what I need to do for new life like start studying UNIX and Oracle or I can even focus to prepare my back to Japan. However it’s not my taste….

I just remember I was writing same thing before. This means there has not been any progress in my mind. I am terribly disappointed for Hq but in the same time I am seeing my colleagues are struggling with them and it looks they need my help as I don’t know what I can do for them. At least I think I have some sort of faith for them and energetic enough to give them up?! Let me clarify if sympathy is just unnecessary thing or necessary thing. Sometimes this just make me consider but sometimes make me feel good because I can feel like I am beyond them. (But I know this is not right…)

Logically speaking, I think it’s not good idea to lose the sympathy because if you lose this, you can NOT sense the feeling on sad people. In the meantime the sympathy make any benefit and it’s just waste of time because even if you have sympathy on them, it not help them and even you. Former shall be right if you want to lead the people. It’s obvious that they don’t follow you if you don’t have any sympathy. Now what? Is this what you wanted to write down? I feel this doesn’t get my point but it’s ok. Sometimes they shall have this sort of day.

Anyway I had better check my ground again and my ground is to do what I believe it’s right and what I shall do in this kind of feeling is to do thing one by one with deeply considering and without rushing….


ここまで-----------------------------------

　『その当時を振り返り』

自分にとって新しい挑戦になる米国行き。文字通り私に取って相当大きな挑戦になるのが、この当時はそんなことを知る由もない。

ただ、苦しい状況にあるイギリスオフィスの同僚を残して別の世界に向かうことへの罪悪感、そして、全く異なる感情だが、米国で新しい境地を切り開くメンバーに選ばれたという押さえきれない優越感。複数の感情が入り交じっている心境である。

そして、入社6年目で今度は米国、しかも全く勝手の違う外資系企業で一年間修行する日が待っている。