自分のことしか考えない

〜イギリス赴任日記〜

1999年3月11日


赴任からおおよそ14ヶ月が経過。組織の問題が日に日に大きく感じ、イライラが募っている日々

日記原文-----------------------------------


1999/03/11　「自分のことしか考えない」

Now I am very irritated because of our company and our company strategy and our company person.

Of course each person has individual policy and individual way to live but I sometime can’t understand their attitude. As you know there are many character on the earth. But we should co-operate to do something important and precious things.

But sometimes nobody care about it. Especially our boss. He is really stupid. He only thinks about himself. However what is worse thing is he believe he is right even if he can not manage and care of his staffs. In addition he always speak ill of someone else and he always speak good of himself. How can I release this bad feeling? How can I follow his way? I can’t follow him anymore. Maybe someday I show him my honest opinion and blame him definitely.

But maybe I should think about myself not company not my colleague…. But maybe I can’t do that because I am human so that I can’t leave weak person and if I see someone need helps, I may give my hand. Why can’t they do like this? Why do they think only about themselves? Why don’t they think to co-operate each other? Is this only an ideal or dream? Can’t we make it? If we can’t do it, why are we here? What is the purpose? Only for their personal benefit?

I really know what I should do now. I must be more clever and cool. It’s very easy for me. But it’s also an road to run away. Once you try to excuse yourself, you are already on it’s way. I don’t want to be on such kind of stupid and meanless way. I am totally disappointed to him and our company, I don’t know the reason.

I don’t mind if K leave our office. I am very happy if Director get out of my face. How can I help myself? What is my future goal? I really don’t know. Only I know is how stupid things I am doing now. But I keep on doing to take my total responsibility. I may throw this kind of stupid and unbeneficial things away really soon. Maybe once I found my way. Maybe……


Anyway I lost my control now and in worst I don’t have any person to consult this kind of my feeling. Someone said honest person eventually take worst staff. I think so. But it means I am honest person but I believe I try to take care of someone who need some help. I should get back my control definitely and go forward to make something good in my life.

Anyway what I will do is just to ignore him and stay him away. It’s only thing I can do now.


ここまで-----------------------------------

『その当時を振り返り』

今までの日記の中でも繰り返し出て来ているが自分のことしか考えない人やチームワークのない組織、それに対して何の対策も講じない会社にいらだっている様子。赴任して14ヶ月が経っているが状況は変わっておらず、巨大組織の運営の難しさを感じずにはいられない。

そして、そんな状況が苦しくてたまらないものだから、自分のことしか考えない人たちの中で自分も同じようにすれば楽だと以前と同じような心境に陥り、しかし自分の心がそれを許さずまた葛藤する。このときは、海外赴任中であるため会社の人以外は周囲に友人もおらず当然近くに家族もおらず、そのような悩みを打ち明ける相手もいなかった状況であったため、日記に綴ることにより気持ちの整理を付けていたんだろう。そして、自分をコントロールしょう、正直であろう、困った人がいたら手を差し伸べよう、そして、人生を、社会をより良くしようと改めて誓っている。

実績もなく、自分に自信もない20代の自分だったが、今考えればこの経験が将来の自分の方向性に大きな影響を与えているようだ。