将来への悩み

〜イギリス赴任日記〜

1998年9月2日


イギリス赴任から9ヶ月がたったある日の日記である。

日記原文-----------------------------------


1998/09/02　「将来への悩み」

Today I am adding new one into my daily after a long time.

Recently I have gotten my pace and I became to do everything by myself. But I still have some irritation since I came to here. I already knew what is the cause. I also know it can’t be changed by myself. I also think I shouldn’t mind it if I am a great man. I tried to do so many times since I came to UK. But I can’t. I can’t forgive his attitude against staff except the person who he likes. He always leave his thing when he blames someone.

However I should think my own way and should not think anybody else business. I am wondering whether I also should think the company business or not. Basically Europeans and Americans think they don’t mind anyone else and company benefit. They are thinking only themselves. I also think so, too. But on the other hands I am Japanese not Europeans or Americans. I am suffering from this point.

How should I do? Nobody knows it except me.

K said me that. He is young only 21 years old but he has some vision against his future goal. It is a little bit unfeasible but I think it is good thing to have individual vision than not to have it. His future dream is to be a rich , it means to be a director manager and leave all work to employee and he’s just playing golf. It’s just like child thinking…..

How about me? Just thinking !!

When I was in Japan, I was thinking that I want to be manager, strictly speaking I don’t want be employee. But it is not concrete. In real world I must belong some company to keep my life. The life should be fun. It means I should enjoy my job. But I don’t feel worth from my current job. Now I am thinking the purpose to work is only money. But I think I can’t keep working without feeling worth.

I have to keep on chasing what I want to do in future. I want to find out each good point from Japanese and Europeans , Americans.

Anyway I keep on thinking my future goal……

By the way I watched Japanese VD Tape , it shows some TV program in Japan. This Program show some Japanese actor stay Brazilian tribe and get same short life as that tribe. That tribe say thank you “ ikatto”. The expression which show fun or happy are called “ikkatto”. But when I saw their talking, I feel something satisfy. I also realize the language doesn’t matter. The matter is heart. When I’ m thinking about it, I notice I don’t like to be elite with kicking someone down. Nnnnnn…I’m suffering.


ここまで-----------------------------------

『その当時を振り返り』

イギリス現地法人に着任してからすでに9ヶ月が経つがよほど、納得がいかなかったのだろう。3回連続上司について書いている。（繰り返しになりますが、、、当時の関係者の皆様、どうかご容赦ください。。。）そういえば、その当時の上司は周囲の人の事をよく言っておらず、それに対しても違和感を持っていた事を思い出す。そんな中で自分の仕事にも満足ができず、具体的な将来像が見出せずに将来に対する強い不安に悩んでいた日々でもある。

そんな非常にネガティブな精神状態から脱したく、いっそのこと自分勝手に自分のことだけ考えて行動しようかと思ってみたが、自分中心的に考える傾向のある（今考えると大半の方はいい意味であるが）欧米人に違和感を感じて折、いつかそれぞれの人種の良い点を融合できないかとも考えているところは興味深い。

また、お金のためではなく自分が価値を感じる仕事がしたいという悩みは、この後20年弱続くのだと思うと、よくそこまで思いを貫き通せたなと感じずにはいられない。そんなことを考えながら自分の力ですぐに何も解決できない日がまた一日過ぎ、もやもやは続くのである。